When I have days, weeks, months like this I hear that Under Pressure song playing along in my head. It seems to fit my mood and I am lucky that when that pinging starts I know it is not Vanilla Ice. I am trying to finish my dissertation, grade a pile of papers and tests and running around getting ready for a conference, for some reason I feel clean underwear is important to take with me. But mostly I am feeling devastated and nervous. I applied for the job that I am currently filling in for and what do you know, I was not asked for a campus interview. I am putting on a brave face of course and trying to get on with it, but I have to admit that vacillate between being sad beyond measure and pissed as hell. I have worked my ass off for these people; I have done everything in my power to be a good colleague. I know that I am a good teacher, I have the highest evaluations in the department, I am working on being a good scholar, this year I had an article published and presented at a national conference. I have volunteered and worked on committees, set up presentations for prospective students and taught an extra class. Now part of this is me, I like my job and I always strive to be the best at whatever I do, so I will always go the extra mile. But I also thought that if I showed my dedication it would be rewarded. I had no reason to think otherwise, I have always been rewarded for a job well done. But this time nothing I have done seems to have mattered at all. It makes me mad and if I was the kind of person who would take to their bed for weeks I would be there now. But I’m not. I am also pissed off beyond belief.

I was given a phone interview, but not asked to a second interview on campus. Of course this was never told to me by the chair or anyone else on the hiring committee. No I read about it on the list serve when they announced the visits. One would have though that professional courtesy would have prompted one of these people to get the hell off their asses and walk ten feet down the hall to let me know. But I guess I asked too much. And the pissed off part of me says that they can all fuck off. If they don’t want me their loss and I will find someone who appreciated me and all that I can offer. I don’t want to go to any more meetings; I don’t want to do anything at all. Of course I still am because it is just not in me to ignore my responsibilities. But I will admit that I am being a brat when I can and my sunny disposition and energy? That is gone as well; if they don’t want to hire me then they forfeit the joy of me for the rest of the semester. I am sad because I like it here, I like most of the people and I like the students a lot.

I am also embarrassed. What the hell did I do? What more could I have done? Is my career over before it has even begun? I don’t know and I don’t know that I have all the answers now. But eventually the Irish in me will win out and I will thumb my nose at the whole place and more on, because the one thing that I am not is a quitter.