Am I offended or complimented?

I have often been accused of over thinking things, I have no idea if that is because I sacrificed my 20’s to the Gods of academia, reading too much theory and becoming, somehow, the feminist. You know the person, the one who might have always had the tendency toward feminist ideology, and somehow through coupling their literary work with gender they have become the feminist grad student, then the feminist prof. in residence. Yes my friends know that if they need some obscure essay from Irigary I will more than likely have it, but that also somehow makes me, to many, the Emily Post of feminism, too often people look at me as if to say, is this offensive? One person opened the door for me while I carried a large stack of papers into the building and then apologized if I found this sexist. I usually ignore this crap, I really don’t have the time or energy to be the PC police. But then there are times that I honestly don’t know how to feel, like when I get out of tickets through feminine charm. I am always happy not to have the ticket, I don’t want to pay it or sit through some stupid class, but I also always feel a bit sad at how I have escaped. Have those episodes set back the women’s movement? This is my current dilemma.

I was to be the instructor to lead discussion on a video tape in my team taught large group meeting. I had the video, prepared my lecture, and emailed the defacto head teacher about the audiovisual equipment. It was in his office, should I come get it before class? He replied promptly that he and the other male prof would bring the equipment over. This alone did not bother me, they are the full-times, their offices are right next to each other and the other instructor and I are both adjuncts, no office and come right to the class from our cars. So I show up early, chat with a few students and the other female adjunct arrives and asks about the equipment, oh I say vaguely, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are bringing it over. She stops, looks at me a moment and says really? They never bring equipment for me, they always make me come get it and lug it across campus. I force a laugh and tell her that they probably feel bad for the newbie, but we both know what is going on. She is a 50-ish woman, unremarkable in appearance and charisma. I am 30, wear clothes closer to my students then my colleagues have highlighted hair and good makeup. Some students develop crushes on me, ask me out occasionally (which is when I make my left had and the rings on it very visible), and last but not least, I have a figure that is more Marilyn Monroe then Andrea Dwarkin. My chest is the joke of many of my friends, who nicknamed them the girls and joke that even my tailored suit looks, on me, like it could have Velcro on the sides to aid in my striptease. I am friendly and charming, students like me and they like my class. As I write this I am acutely aware that someone, somewhere is channeling my grandmother who would comment that I should be careful not to get too big for my britches, but as I am anonymous and I would like to write realistically about this, I am not toning down for anyone.

I am not sure how I feel about this; I am somewhere between offended, speechless and amazed at the power that my femininity holds. Which one am I leaning toward more? I have no idea, but I am amazed at the way in which even thoroughly self-critical academics fall into socially construction gender ideology. Now there are many reasons that I should not be carrying audio visual equipment five feet, much less across campus. Let’s just say that while I may be cute I am not graceful. But does the very real fact that I probably would have broken the damn things have anything to do with the fact that the male professors decided to lug the heavy bags? My colleague smiled, she said “well, enjoy it while it lasts.” Unfortunately for me and the rest of the world I think that she is right. And I am left to ponder how my theoretical life can work within the real world.